The following will probably make no sense, and I'll probably have to go back and reorganize my thoughts when I understand them myself (probably not). But I don't want to forget this, so I'm just "jotting" it down (I find these expressions so much more amusing because of the lack of their virtual counterparts - maybe speedtyping or something?) to have a "record" somewhere.

First: Realizing that you're you.
Isn't that amazing?
It's only then that you can really understand what it means to be self aware. I wonder if anyone else has had a moment when they suddenly stop and think to themselves, "Woah, I'm ALIVE. And I can do whatever I want right now, because I'm me and I control this person, this body, this soul..."

Yeah, I just had to get that out. I have no idea what I'm saying, as usual. :-)

Second:

I'm always thinking about the parallel universes thing - one of the theories that says that whatever scenario you can imagine, it exists in one of an infinite amount of parallel universes.
But there's a problem with this theory. In order for a certain scenario to exist, an infinite amount of events have to occur in a specific way before that scenario happens in order for it to happen. What if there's just no possible sequence of events that can lead to that specific scenario? That would make the scenario impossible, and that would mean that NOT everything we imagine can be a "true statement" or a solid way of things somewhere else.

Yes, that made no sense. But hey, I warned you, didn't I?

Hmmm...

I'm scared.

It's nothing new to me, and it's surely not new to anyone else. If you're human, you've probably felt scared at some point in your life. If not, please tell me your secret...

Anyway, I'm scared because for the last two years I've been obsessing over the future. College, college, college. Must volunteer for college. Must find job for college. Must join club for college. Blah, blah, blahbedy blah. I made a commitment that was supposed to help with college, one that was supposed to strip bare my life of anything but the commitment itself and school. One that was supposed to yield college-guaranteeing results. And you know what's scary? I'm starting to think - what if I fail? What if I've been putting in all this time and I fail and I have to stop? I look around and think - if all the time I've been putting into it is suddenly... free... I'll need to find something new. And there's nothing. It's too late. I keep thinking about all the scientific studies that insist that children learn the fastest, that children learn the most... If you want your kid to be musical when he or she grows up, teach them piano or violin or flute, and start really, really early. My parents started me with piano, math, and Russian at the right time. But now it's all gone. Other than school and dance, I basically have no supplementary skills.

So the whole point of that rant was to try and shed a ray of light on the thoughts racing each other like puppies after their tails in my head. Well, whatever I accomplished or didn't accomplish, it's nice to have a place to store all the crazy things you've worried about... So you can laugh at them someday in the future. Aaah, I really can't wait until that day. :-)

My new favorite quote

I've been feeling kinda down these last two days. I have no idea why. My guess: A combination of competition stress, several tests in school a day, the passing of my cat, and my sorry joke of a love life. But, as always, there's one thing that makes everything better: dance. Whenever I'm at home I feel really down and... somehow just not like myself. At dance, though, everything just sinks away. It's pretty amazing, really.

"Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there'll be dancing!"
-My Best Friend's Wedding

For some reason I keep remembering this quote, and it helps somehow. It's so, so true. In any case, it's my new favorite quote. Exciting.

Thanksgiving - A soup of Joy and Sorrow

Well, I definitely got well-rested. I guess that's a joy.

I'll start off, though, by saying that it did NOT go as planned. I was hoping to spend it with some old friends who I get to see very, very rarely - but that didn't work out. Upset, but not completely discouraged, I accompanied my parents to a family friends' house. There I played wii for the first time - it was quite a unique experience. Of course, nothing which actually produced the desired result of winning on the game system resembled any kind of physical motion I would do in real life. For example, in boxing, all I had to do was beat the air furiously and randomly with my fists to get in some blows at my opponent. When my beating became milder - when I got tired - I was knocked down instead.

The only other intersting thing that happened Thursday night was that my cell phone fell on the ground and broke. Thus, I had to go order a new cell phone. Since it was free, I ordered a Razr with an MP3 player on it. I'm not quite sure why I got that particular cell phone, especially with the MP3 player on it, as two days later I decided to get an IPod Nano with some saved up birthday money (my actual MP3 player had also recently broken). Again, not bad at all.

I'm going to end this post abruptly. Here, right now. I'll suffice it to say: the phone had no MP3 on it. Bah. (yes, I'm writing this several weeks after the rest of the post)